My Pregnancy Journey

Now being a Mam or being pregnant for that matter was never something that I gave much thought to – it was always something that I assumed would happen in the future but I had no set date and time for this part of my life to begin. It wasn’t my priority and I assumed it would happen eventually but I never truly visualised myself as a Mother. Well, that was the case until we found out I was pregnant the day before my 30th birthday. Seeing those two lines was terrifying, crazy and although we weren’t using contraception, the reality came as quite a shock for me. But life took another unexpected turn and it wasn’t to be. We found out we had lost our little baby at the 12 week scan. I can’t describe the pain we went through, it was a devastating time for us. Maybe I’ll write a post on this one day but as I’m currently pregnant with baby two as I’m writing this, the emotions are still too raw for me to write down. In July 2020, we found out we were expecting again and so began the growing of our little girl.

First Trimester

The first trimester was hell for many reasons. We were both terrified of another miscarriage and what that could mean for us. But mainly it was awful because of the physical symptoms – morning sickness is an absolute unforgiving, relentless bitch. From about 7/8 weeks until the 16 week mark I was so ill, I honestly wondered how I was going to make it through the rest of the pregnancy alive. Now if you’ve never had morning sickness, it’s like being really hungover and carsick at the same time plus it was really hot in August so I had that added delight to deal with. Some days I could barely lift my head from the pillow without vomiting. I sat up, I vomited. Had a shower, vomited. Went back to bed, vomited – think you get the idea. Thankfully I wasn’t sick like that every day and I got the occasional break but it made me feel so sorry for those women who get hyperemesis gravidarum (an extreme form of morning sickness). My sense of smell was also insane and pretty much everything turned my stomach. I read a post written by a woman who said she could smell a mouse fart in a hurricane – I felt this in my soul! The sickness was rank and I was exhausted so I eventually gave up and rang the doctor when I went through a phase where I couldn’t keep water down. It was awful because I was so hungry and thirsty but whatever I ate and drank didn’t seem to make a difference to how I felt. I got some anti-sickeness tablets which helped a bit but they were no miracle cure. Sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn’t but I took them anyway as I needed something to get me through the pure shitshow that was the first trimester.

I also had this rotten metallic taste in the back of my mouth which I couldn’t get rid of. I tried sour sweets, peppermint tea, mints, ginger biscuits, you name it – the sour sweets worked the best to overpower the taste in the back of my mouth but the effects didn’t last long.

To add to this wonderful situation, my stomach ballooned up straight away and I found it difficult to hide my swollen tum in my regular clothes. We didn’t want to tell anyone other than parents and siblings as we didn’t want to deal with the questions and comments. Don’t get me wrong, I know most people hear ‘pregnant’ and can think of nothing but joy and happiness but for me especially I just wanted to make it to the next week. Those were my goalposts – just make it to week 6, week 8, week 10 until we could get to that 12 week scan and see a heartbeat on the screen. I couldn’t deal with anyone saying “you’ll be a great Mam” or “everything will be fine”. Again these things are said with good intention but they mean nothing when you are waiting for the worst. There was a constant fear that we would lose the baby so every little pain and niggle I had was a worry. I bled a tiny bit at weeks 5 and 7. I had pain in my right shoulder, wrist and down my right leg too so the words ‘ectopic pregnancy’ reared it’s head leading to a trip to the doctors. After a bit of prodding about, this was put down to round ligament pain which if you don’t know what that is, any joint pain you might have will probably be labelled as this.

Things that got me through the first trimester:

• Flavoured water
• Fizzy sour worm sweets
• Weetabix with sugar
• Private scans (window to the womb, chester le street)
• Wet flannels for neck/head

Second Trimester

Morning sickness was still very much with me for the first few weeks of the second trimester but I was coping better and feeling a bit stronger. I went off pretty much all food groups except breakfast cereals and biscuits so when I did get my appetite back it was difficult to find things I wanted to eat. We had a lot of freezer teas and my boyfriend had to fend for himself alot of the time when I only wanted to eat toast. My belly was still very swollen but it wasn’t such a big deal now as we had told people we were expecting.

Gradually I began to let myself believe that things might be okay this time. Again, I set my goals week by week until we reached the 20 week growth scan at the hospital. Due to the coronavirus pandemic, Andy wasn’t allowed in for any of the hospital scans so I had to go it alone. Fortunately we were able to pay for private scans so that we could see the baby’s progress together but I know this is a luxury some people don’t have. I despaired for all of the women going through miscarriages and difficult pregnancies alone in the quiet of the hospital scanning room, it really upset me some days to imagine their pain.

As the weeks went by I felt stronger and the nausea eventually faded.

Things that got me through the second trimester:

• Flavoured water (again)
• Cheese salad sandwiches
• Comfy clothes
• More Cheese
• Milk

Third Trimester

This is in some ways the best trimester as I can feel the baby moving so much that it’s a reassurance that she’s okay. A wriggly baby is a happy baby they say. In the second trimester, I started out with a feeling of drumming fingers behind my belly button coupled with tugging and pinching in my abdomen. The first time I felt a proper kick was terrifying. I was lying in the bath just chilling, minding my own business then thwack, a massive boot to the stomach. To say I shit myself is an understatement. I flung myself upright and shouted “Waa!! No, stop it!!” then got up and out of the bath, fleeing the crime scene. I freaked out, messaged a handful of people to share my terror then got ready all the while clutching my stomach willing it not to happen again. It was horrible and felt so alien. It seems laughable now that I’m 37 weeks and I’m like a living punch bag for our daughter at the minute but that first thump was something else. I didn’t think I would ever get used to that feeling of something moving inside me but I have. It’s taken a while and by no means is it wonderful and lovely like some women describe. No for me, it’s a necessary discomfort and a way to know that she’s okay but I don’t enjoy it and I don’t think I’ll miss it once she’s out in the open.

I’m so big now, it’s difficult to deal with some days. I have never been anywhere close to this weight and it’s taking a toll on my body. My back aches, my legs have swelled as have my feet, I have weird crazy veins on my legs and I don’t even want to talk about my belly button…

I’ve got so little energy it’s unreal. Everything is a struggle now – especially putting on my compression socks to control my fat feet. I haven’t slept on my back since before the 12 week mark as it’s not safe to for blood supply to the baby. We can’t go anywhere because it’s currently lockdown 3.0 in the United Kingdom so I’m stuck in the house getting fatter and fatter waiting for labour. It ain’t fun guys but I know I don’t have far to go.

The birth is definitely a terrifying prospect to me but I know it’s only a day or two of awfulness in the grand scheme of things. As someone who can overthink situations to the MAX and has a fear of permanency and commitment, all of this stuff scares me to death so instead I’m choosing to adopt the ostrich approach. I’m allowing myself to think ahead as far as the birth and getting home then that’s it, head in the sand, no more thoughts. It’s all I can cope with. Plus who knows what sort of state the country will be in by the time I give birth? None of us know so why bother making plans and worrying about what will be. My plan is to make it home with me, Andy and the baby alive and maybe some milk in the fridge to make a well deserved coffee when we get back because god knows we will need it.

Things that got me through the third trimester:

• Compression socks
• Coconut oil & palmers stretch mark lotion
• A food diary to remind me to eat more healthily (it worked sometimes)
• Pregnancy pillow to help me sleep
• Dressing gown
• Chocolate and cake

This is the end of my story for now, hopefully I’ll be writing a birth post soon but it all depends on when she presses the eject button.

Speak soon 🙂