Look what we made! Birth and New Baby Post
Little disclaimer – this will be full of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes due to my tired messed up brain but I’m leaving it that way as my this is my reality for the moment.
It’s been two weeks since I gave birth to our daughter Holly and it’s flown by in a beautiful blur of tears, cuddles, bottles and nappies. The little lady is still finding her feet with when she wants to feed, how much she drinks and how much she sicks up but it’s all going okay. It already feels like so long ago that I was lying on that hospital bed but it’s still fresh enough in my memory for me to share our story with you.
Induction
I was induced at 40 weeks 2 days as I’d be unable to clearly feel Holly’s movements for a few days prior to my due date. Heart rate monitors confirmed everything was fine but she seemed a tiny bit smaller than expected so they decided to induce me. I had experienced a few contractions on the night of my due date and the day after but they weren’t the full motion (apparently there are three types of contraction movements which need to link up to form a proper contraction). I was booked in for 9am Sunday morning to get a balloon induction so we turned up at hospital with the bags packed in the car just incase. Due to the covid restrictions, Andy was unable to come in for any of the checks with me and had to wait by his phone in the car park for my messages. I was told I would be staying in overnight so collected mine and baby’s bags and sent Andy back home.
I didn’t know anyone who had been induced with the balloon so didn’t know too much about it except they were going to insert a balloon into my cervix and fill it with an ounce of saline solution to put pressure on and dilate my cervix. It would be a bit like a sweep I was told (I’d had two sweeps already by this point and they weren’t too bad) but it was much, much worse. The midwife struggled for half an hour to put the tube in, it kept bending and coming back out. She then went to get a doctor who also tried for 30 minutes and let me tell you, it was painful to start with but after they have been messing about with you for an hour, it was very, VERY ouchy. Thankfully they gave up and gave me a pessary which also hurt by this point but at least it was a lot quicker to administer.
I was left in a room on my own to get over the pain for 6 hours at a time. I paced the floor of my room despite the throbbing pressure in my legs and feet – I was so swollen everywhere – but it helped passed the time. It was very lonely in that room at the bottom of a pretty empty corridor. I had a lot of time for the worry and anxiety to build up in my head and flutter about my system. I was terrified that something would go wrong, how much would labour hurt but most of all I worried about still birth. Even typing those words fills me with fear, I can’t imagine that sort of pain. Gradually it started to fill up in the ward and they needed my room so I was moved to another room where I would stay until I gave birth – the realisation that the next time I left that room I would have a baby was crazy and it was confirmed by the clear Perspex box that was wheeled into the wall near the bed. I had a bath and tried to nap as I waited for my next check, dreading them hurting me again.
Eventually I had my waters broke at 14:30 on Monday afternoon. The doctor and midwife who looked after me at this point were much more understanding of my pain and took things slowly which did the trick. I was officially on my way to labour and Andy was allowed to join me. Thank the Lord!
Labour
Andy was shown to my room and I was so relieved to see him – finally I wasn’t on my own in this and I knew he would look after me as he had before. I had pretty much decided that I wanted it anyway but because of all of the messing about with my induction, I had already endured a lot of pain so when the nurse asked me about the epidural I said yes to having it before my contractions really kicked off. She agreed it was a good choice told me if I wanted it, a planned epidural is much better than a last minute one as it’s easier to get a hold of an anaesthetist and to keep still as they inserted the needle. Getting it in wasn’t too nice, lots of needles and he hit my spine the first time then as he got it in the second time, I felt an electric shock coursing through my legs but he confirmed it was a good ‘one’ and was confident in it’s success rate for reducing pain.
The midwives I had through labour were great, they spent loads of time with me and Andy explaining what was happening now, what would happen after that, what could go wrong and how it would be dealt with – they gave us loads of information and were happy to chat in general too. Andy got on really well with the second midwife who was with us for the birth as she had a military background too so it was nice for him to have someone to talk too when I was huffing and puffing on the gas and air.
I was due to have a check on my progress at 10.20pm but after I had started shaking and pulsating and nothing seemed to stop it, the midwife checked me at 9.30pm and I was fully dilated – the baby’s head was there, ready to come and meet us. Now to say I had the epidural which has a constant flow of pain blockers, I could still feel my contractions pretty strongly – they were still painful. I pressed the top up button on my epidural and took gas and air which made me thankful that I had decided to get it early on. I think I would have passed out from the pain of them otherwise – we were watching the graph showing my contractions – they were so strong! I started to push and they told me we would push for an hour and then the sister would come and check me.
I started to push at 11.15pm and the midwife said I had got the hang of it straight away. Chin to chest and push down she said. Andy had to hold my head forward due to the way I was lying (it wasn’t easy to shift position due to the epidural) and I pushed and pushed but Holly wouldn’t come out – she kept edging forward then retreating back. After just over an hour of pushing, the heartbeat tracer machine wasn’t working properly, it kept moving and couldn’t provide an accurate trace so although everything seemed fine, they though it was best to get her out quickly just incase. I started vomiting on the pushes too from the exertion but this part of the labour wasn’t too bad.
They said I needed forceps and a little flutter of panic flapped in my chest. Forceps – don’t they leave scars on the baby, what if it damaged her head? I didn’t have a choice though, my little girl needed to get out quickly and safely. At this point loads more bodies entered the room and I had 5 or 6 members of staff with me. I was lucky that I couldn’t really see from where I was lying but Andy saw them and most of what they were doing. Again, the forceps hurt like hell and I yelled as I pushed when they told me and with three contractions, she was out.
A little pink body was lifted up and plonked on my chest and I felt my adrenaline levels sky rocket. Her eyes were wide open and her little grumpy face glared at us. Poor girl, she was probably sick of all this too. I can’t remember exactly what I said as me and Andy looked at this little thing that belonged to us now but I remember looking at her eyes and they were the exact same colour as Andy’s. Wow…this moment was something else but we didn’t get long to marvel as I was injected with something to make the placenta deliver more quickly and my nausea kicked up to the max level.
After Labour
I was so sick and exhausted, I can’t count how many times I vomited and poor Andy had to keep bringing me cardboard tubs to vomit in. It really wasn’t a pretty sight and because I was lying pretty flat it made things even worse, I was so fed up. It felt like I had lay there for hours as they stitched me up and then pumped something into me to make my uterus contract. I felt like hell and all I wanted was for them to leave me alone and let me sleep off this nightmare hangover I had been drip fed. I couldn’t even hold the baby I was vomiting so much and with such force I had to ask someone to take her not long after I was handed her.
Holly was weighed and cleaned up a bit by the midwife, dressed and passed back to Andy to feed while I was going through the worst sickness I have ever had coupled with the pain and exhaustion of labour. Eventually they had finished and I pretty much passed out, looking at Andy holding our baby as my eyes fell shut, I was done.
When I woke up, my body was still very much exhausted but the nausea and feeling of being out of control of my body was gone. I had something to eat and then the midwife tried to get me to stand but I was too dizzy so was put on a fluid drip and left to absorb it. Andy was allowed to stay for 4-6 hours after the birth so was still there when I woke up and we got to spend a bit of time together now that I was fully conscious. When he said goodbye I was so scared, I couldn’t get off the bed at this point and I was going to be left on my own with the baby. What if she needed me and I couldn’t help quickly enough?
After he had gone and a bit of time had passed, I was able to get a quick wash and get dressed. They walked me round to another ward and I had some dinner. The midwives showed me the best way to feed Holly, burp, change a nappy and clothe her. I sat with my baby in a chair having a cuddle and cried and cried. This was so unreal that she was here and it was this tiny girl who had been kicking me, keeping me up at night. She had been with me all this time – this baby right in front of me. My baby. Oh how the emotions flooded my brain (they are now too, I’m sobbing as I type this).
After a few checks – hearing, body checks – we were allowed home and Andy came and picked us up at tea time. He passed over the car seat at the ward reception then the staff strapped her in and walked me out with my bags. This was it, we were going home together as a three not a two.
The first few days
Things were a bit rocky the next day – we had missed several nights of proper sleep already at this point so after a midnight birth and a late night our first night at home, by the time Wednesday morning came we were both exhausted. My whole body was so swollen and full of fluid, I still felt so heavy and stiff especially in my legs and feet. My feet had swelled to a ridiculous size meaning I couldn’t fit any socks on nevermind shoes. Walking was really difficult and due to my epidural, my nerves and joints felt really strange and I felt lightening bolts through my heels and up my legs. I began to feel really shaky and jittery, very unsteady on my feet and like I was going to faint. My heartbeat was throbbing in my temples and ears. I knew something wasn’t right and the midwife who came to visit me that day took my blood and confirmed that my iron levels were all out of whack. Since I had given birth, the iron in my blood had halved and I was borderline whether I needed a transfusion. We still don’t know why this happened as I didn’t lose an unusual amount of blood due to a controlled birth but I’m feeling much better now (currently a week and a few days since I gave birth).
This was obviously a very difficult situation for both of us as Andy had to juggle our newborn baby and caring for me so we quickly asked for help from our families for the next night and day. Things got better after that and we settled into a routine of washing bottles, baby clothes and ourselves.
Holly was doing well which was our only saving grace but she did give us a few scares. She seemed to throw up in her Moses basket – as baby’s do – but instead of turning her head to the side to let it out, she seemed to keep her head back and it choked her. The worst thing was that she didn’t make any noise while this was happening so we barely slept those first few nights until she began to turn her head if she was sick. Thankfully she is out of this stage now and tends to vomit on people instead of in her basket.
Emotions
My god…where do I start with this. I’ve experienced a whole spectrum of emotions since I gave birth, I guess your body goes through so much trauma that your mind naturally follows and you experience mental trauma too. The best way I can think to describe the end of my pregnancy and the start of life as a Mother is that I’m living two truth’s at once, life is a paradox.
As they broke my waters, I remember crying with relief that the journey was nearly over but then being terrified of what was next. I was done with being pregnant but then afraid of life after it. If you know me personally, you will know that I’m not good with change and commitment gives me the sweats. When I first signed the paperwork to a 5 year mortgage fixed rate, my pulse raced – that was me locked in to this house for the foreseeable – what if I changed my mind! The night before we picked up our cat Chewy from the rescue centre, I didn’t sleep because I kept thinking ‘I’m now going to have a cat for the next 10+ years’…I can easily overwhelm myself. So pregnancy and having a baby is something else for me and I’ve done very well not to let myself overthink the situation. Everytime I’ve felt my mind start to wander I’ve been very good at shutting it down and distracting myself.
I’ve cried so much every single day and sometimes I don’t know why. Sometimes I cried as I looked down at my daughter’s sleeping face. Innocent souls always make me cry, they are so pure and know nothing of the bad things in the world. I think that’s why I love animals too, they all just want to be looked after, be happy and be loved.
My anxiety is at an all time high, I don’t think I was a particularly anxious person before but at the moment I’m stressed and worried about everything. Holly is obviously my main worry – we’re doing okay but if she cries for a bit too long or seems unsettled I begin to panic that something is wrong.
Guilt is also a massive part of my being right now. I felt so guilty for Andy when I was too poorly to help out properly although luckily it wasn’t for too long. I feel guilty for my cat and my rabbits as they don’t get as many strokes and cuddles as they did before. I make sure they still get some but it’s hard not being able to give them as much fuss, it wasn’t their choice to have a baby come and live here after all. It was ours and that makes me sad for them.
But the main reason I feel guilty is hard to describe and here is where the paradox thing is most apparent. We found out we had lost our first baby at 12 weeks and were absolutely crushed. This is still so painful to talk about and difficult for those who haven’t experienced miscarriage to understand – I can say this as I never really acknowledged the pain and trauma that parents have to go through when they lose a baby. I keep flashing back to a memory I have during this first pregnancy. I was driving to work one morning on my own and I was thinking about how much my life was about to change and how terrified and overwhelmed I felt. Taylor Swift’s song ‘Lover’ was playing on the radio and I can’t get this memory out of my head. It keeps looping around in my brain reminding me of my first baby. I feel so sad that I never got to meet him and then feel guilty for thinking this as we wouldn’t have Holly now if that hadn’t happened. It’s a horrible reality to be in but to be honest, I’m not sure that I want this memory to stop haunting me as the pain reminds me that he was real.
I miss my old life but in the same breath I don’t want it back. I miss having a full night’s sleep, having time to myself and not feeling like a knackered bag of crap but I love cuddling this little snufflepup and marvelling at how beautiful she is, how tiny her little hands are and how peaceful she looks as she sleeps. Life feels so normal but so new, it’s all so crazy but we’re finding our feet as parents and doing a pretty good job so far.
The star of the show
So here she is, my little lassie, my beautiful baby girl Holly. She’s doing really well and everyone has commented how good her skin tone is and how healthy she looks for a brand new baby. She is definitely doing the best out of the three of us humans.
We’ve been told that over the next few weeks she will start to figure out the difference between night and day which will be great, hopefully we will get a bit more sleep by then. She can see about 30cm in front of her so if you are holding her at chest height she can see your face. Her vision is only in black and white but that will develop over time too.
All her bodily functions are working well – she showed the health visitor just how clear her urine is when she tried to pee on her…twice. She pooed on me immediately when she was placed on my chest and has since weed on us and been sick plenty of times but you know what, it isn’t that bad. Something must change within you when you have a baby as suddenly you just deal with this stuff as if it’s nothing. If someone else’s baby weed on me I don’t think I would be too happy but Holly can do what she wants, she’s our little creature now and we have to take the rough with the smooth, the dirty nappies and the cuddles.
And that’s about it folks. Obviously I can’t capture every single detail in this blog post or it would be longer than my novel but I’ve tried to note down as much as possible. If you want to ask me about anything please leave a comment or email me at [email protected] and I’ll get back to you when I can.
Thanks for reading.
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